Finding yourself

Finding yourself

“I’m taking a year off to find myself.” That was a phrase that always annoyed me, partially because I never understood what it meant. What is finding yourself? I think even blind people know where they are, or have these people who are finding themselves suddenly become demented and assumed the identity of Waldo without knowing?

It wasn't until much long ago when I had to make my university choices that I understood what this phrase meant. It was more like “what was I born to do, and who am I” kind of question. And I’ve given myself quite a few good hard looks in the mirror, but I don’t know who I am. There’s nothing but a bare reflection looking back at me. And even though I know I’m whole, it was the very first time I felt empty. I didn't really know myself. Who was I exactly? I needed to find myself.

We go about our lives, doing what other people have dictated for us, and live by their set of rules. We've molded ourselves into becoming what others have wanted, perhaps for themselves, and I remembered the phrase from one of my favorite songs “Curtains are drawn but we’re still dressed.” There are a million ways to analyse this, but here’s one of my theories. We have been put on show for so long, that we’ve become used to it. It doesn't really matter who we really are, what our niche in life exactly is, because even when no ones watching, we’re still playing the characters we’ve been built into. We don’t try different roles to see which one suits us, because we’ve never gotten out of our original cast.

What happens if one day we get fed up of who we are? What if one day we want to find who we are, and just understand ourselves, but its too late? What if we’re so iron clad into this fixture that we never get out of it till it fully sets and drills us into itself? And I’ve heard people say “I know what I want to be. I want to be a doctor,” or “I want to be an engineer.” Honestly, I envy the people who say “I want to do arts,” or “I want to play music”. We stare down at these people like they’re inferior, when really, most of us are the lost souls who have no idea what we want to be.

For me, I heard the sounds of people saying “doctor, doctor doctor.” Sometimes at night I might’ve even heard whispers of people telling me that. And so I went for it. I went for what the world intended me to do, because it seemed like the logical step to take. Money, job security and a good name; it seemed like the perfect package. Except I was the unhappily wrapped gift inside it.

I feel it inside me. I feel that I’m made for a reason, but I wish I knew what it was. And when I say made for a reason, I don’t mean I feel like I’m chosen, or I’m meant to be famous, but really made for something, a purpose. Kingdoms have fallen because the menial slaves couldn’t get their jobs done properly. But I still don’t know my true happiness. I still don’t know my true calling if you like to call it that.

And throughout this passage I’ve said we, us, you and me, and so far its just been a figure of speech really. But are there others out there who’re looking at a reflection they don’t understand, or is it just me? Because I bet there are many people who get something.Maybe not a full picture, but even a hazy one is fine. Maybe pixelated, maybe shaky, but I just feel like I wish I knew who I was. I go into exams and I come out of them wanting to rip my own head off, because I don’t get what’s going on. I don’t understand the reality of the matter. I don’t know who I am. Maybe if I did, I’d do something I love rather than something that is conventional. I really want to know who I am, I really want to understand the reason for my existence, but I feel it would take time, and I’ve always been taught time is money. Granted that I most probably will do nothing useful in this time, but thats the illusion I live in, becuase lets face it, giving up on a dream ( in this case finding yourself) because of the time it will take to accomplish is foolish because time till pass by anyway, but for now, I will find the comfort in knowing that I’m not alone, that I have someone beside me in this ugly world of unknown.

I don’t usually do this, but to end off, here’s a little … thingy, I honestly don’t know what to label it,song, poem, whatever, called “lost soul”. I hope you like it :)

Im trying to find myself,

In this ugly world,

I’m looking in a mirror,

But there’s nothing to be seen,

I hear people saying,

They’ve known who they want to be,

Is it just me,

Or are there people,

Looking at a,

Reflection they dont understand,

I think I was made for greater things,

I wish I knew for once what they were,

There’s a hollow form looking back at me,

And sometimes I look back and think,

Is this really me?

I really wish I knew myself,

I really wish someone would hold my hand,

And take me to the light,

Sadly I’m living a fantasy,

Sadly this is reality,

I guess I’ll have to live with,

Just someone being there by my side,

Someone who's just as lost as me,

Maybe we’ll find ourselves together,

Maybe we’ll even become a you and me.