You know when something shatters you? Gets deep inside your
heart and just rips it out of its place? Do you know the feeling when you just
want to give up and let go, because you just don’t have the strength to go on?
I don’t know about you, but from time to time, I get that feeling.
I don’t know what it is, or where it comes from, but
sometimes I wake up and there’s a hollow, empty feeling inside. It’s like I’m
missing an organ, or there’s nothing where my heart was supposed to be. Maybe I’m
missing someone, or I’m just somehow incomplete, I honestly could not tell. From
time to time I’ve contemplated, I’ve thought about it and tried to decipher it,
but with no such luck to get to an end result.
It’s not only feeling hollow and empty that gets to me. Sometimes
that hollowness decides to really go for it, and couples up with loneliness. I
could be surrounded by a million friends yet still feel emptier than the Grand
Canyon. I feel like there’s no one by my side, and I’d have to fight life
alone. From time to time, I have to put my feelings aside and just smile; I can’t
share these feelings with anyone. I have to keep it to myself, or people will
just think I’m crazy or really sad. And although it might not be a vaccine,
acting crazy and wild does act as a temporary medication, until of course, the
feelings hit again.
When being crazy isn’t an option, and times like that come,
it’s usually just me and my music, in a cold night out, looking at the city
lights glimmer in a far distance. The soft music coupled with noises from the
street as people go about in their hustle bustle really soothes me. I let the
songs drain away my sorrow, as if they were building a deep crevasse where all
the sorrow collected and was disposed of. Time then heals the emptiness and
reconstructs happiness pipelines inside me for the time being. And sometimes, just sometimes, when it gets too hard and too dark to handle, I feel like jumping off a bridge will put an end to it. But then I think, what's life worth if I succumb to a feeling? What's life worth if loneliness gets to me? What were all the fights up till now worth, if I am just going to give it all away in a second.
I haven’t looked into why this happens or researched it in anyway;
maybe I’m just afraid that if I come to know more about the reality of the
matter I might get to know something that I don’t want to know. Sometimes I feel
like I know what it is, and perhaps that research will affirm my thoughts and
feelings, and by that given affirmation, I will no longer be subject to
imagination. I would no longer be able to avoid the topic by thinking about
different possible scenarios of my emptiness and hollowness. And if that
affirmation comes through, I will live in fear of what I believe is the cause
of this hollowness, and knowing that belief will slowly feed on what happiness I
have left till I’m nothing but dark inside. I do not of course wish to disclose
what my subconscious has to say, but sometimes I believe what it says. 
I thought all along that I was one of a kind, or at